I didn't set out to be courageous this year. This year was supposed to consist of happily settling into my marriage and peaceful new home...but that was not exactly how it happened. While I could never have asked for a more perfectly compatible marriage or a more loving husband, no one could have prepared me for the challenges of life surrounding our new relationship that would require much courage. And to tell the truth, I really didn't feel courageous facing it all.
Even before our wedding, the year started out with hours in the ER for my beloved's (still ongoing and unexplained) health issues. Our honeymoon ended with a car accident, followed by my first ever panic attack and continual nightmares. Tight finances, ministry stress, the surfacing of old traumas, and moments of deep overwhelm seemed to bring me to the edge of my sanity, and it was only God's grace and my husband's tender care keeping me afloat. Though I've never been a fearful person, I suddenly found myself consumed by fears.
But I made it through. I didn't even realize it, but I somehow had the courage to keep going through the stress and the breakdowns. I put my health skills to work to find ways to care for my husband. I drove my repaired car past the accident site. I got myself to physical therapy and mental health counseling. I worked hard, put many things on the back burner, and survived long periods of incessant busyness. All of it took courage, an extra measure of strength every day to take a deep breath and press on.
That's how courage works - it's not a resource you can stock up for when it's needed, but a grace provided in the moment. It's strength of heart, fortitude, resilience, made steadier with testing. Courage doesn't feel like invincibility; more often it feels like dogged steps through the mud or sickening dread of facing that thing again...but doing it anyway. It's the meeting of hope, love, and faith, a determination not to let fear get the last word. For the last word belongs to the Giver of courage, the One who has conquered fear and will redeem the hardships we endure. He will bring us through.